Flat Track Bully’s Alternative Ashes XI (summer 2013)

(Please note that any players guilty of “boring” cricket have been made unavailable for selection.)

1. David Warner
2. Shane Watson
3. Kevin Pietersen
4. Michael Clarke ©
5. Steve Smith
6. Brad Haddin (wk)
7. Stuart Broad
8. Graeme Swann
9. Peter Siddle
10. Ryan Harris
11. James Anderson

Openers

As per the above rules, picking a pair of opening batsmen from this summer’s Ashes series is a rather tricky decision. The difficulty lies in that England’s openers, Alastair Cook and Joe Root, a) batted far too slowly, and b) didn’t score enough runs. Last time around in Australia, Captain Cook was England’s hero, scoring a mammoth amount of runs (766) and anchored the English batting line-up to some big totals. There was no such repeat this time around however, as Cook made just three fifties and reverted back to his old ‘pushing one to first slip’ method of dismissal. As for Root, his 180 was an outstanding innings under very little pressure, but the Yorkshireman’s submissive stance – having been promoted to opening the batting – was simply dreadful for the modern day (t20 junkie) cricket fan to watch. Less casual supporters will remember the headline “Edgblaston” from back in 2005, the day when England scored 400 runs in one day. Root, Cook and Trott all failed to entertain in such dramatic style. Talk about digging in…

Subsequently, it is two Australians who slot in at the top of the order for FTB’s Ashes XI. Chris Rogers – who impressed for a man of his age – nudged and nurdled far too much for our selectors liking. Thus, Australia’s conundrum man Shane Watson finds himself opening the batting once more. His lusty style and canny knack of getting out LBW all the time is just the sort of thing cricket fans today want to see. Likewise, everyone loves a pantomime villain, and the XI would not be the same without Australia’s very own [insert Rocky Balboa opponent here] David Warner. His boxing skills, twitter antics and plentiful stroke play certainly got his name trending. Thus having showed (in glimpses) the sort of destruction they are both capable of piling upon an opposition attack and therefore, these bully boys are in the FTB team.

Middle-order

            Now you know the rules by now – no boring batsmen allowed. Sadly this means our man-of-the-series Ian Bell doesn’t actually make our series best XI. Okay, so he made a stack of runs including three hundreds and two fifties, but who wants to see someone stealing all the limelight, eh? We’d much rather watch Michael Clarke for example, who one day might get out to the ball of the series or on another, might get a massive score. After all, this side needs a skipper who refuses to let his team get bowled out and so Mr Tactical Declarations gets our vote. As for the other two batters, Kevin Pietersen picks himself on ego alone, but more importantly, he scores at more than one run an over. He’s a mystery, he’s an enigma and he’s a run-scorer. Steve Smith, like KP, very much bats in his own way, but who cares about technique when you score runs quickly and consistently? Despite not being selected for the initial squad, Smithy did his country proud and was arguably the tourist’s most consistent player with the bat. Without Belly, this team probably needs a bit of consistency.

In the wicket-keeping department, batting slightly higher than perhaps he ought, is Brad Haddin. Now there’s a proper batsman. No man at mid-wicket? Lovely jubbly. He also took a fair few catches behind the stumps (when he wasn’t letting the ball pass in between himself and first slip) and you probably need that in your Test team. Not that he had much competition for the gloves, because the usually irrepressible Matt Prior batted like Glenn McGrath with his eyes closed for the whole series. So yeah, we’ve gone for five batters and a keeper. Six batsmen is so last week.

Bowlers

Yep, we’ve got five of them and if you weren’t particularly impressed by our flat-track-bullies at the top of the order, this lot will get your tongues wagging more than a troupe of IPL cheerleaders. At seven, it’s Stuart “I only walk when I run out of petrol” Broad, because what this team doesn’t need is gentlemen. Screw the spirit of cricket; this is the flaming Ashes! Broad is big, bad and he’s a much better all-rounder than James Faulkner and Chris Woakes. Broady was back with the bat and on a roll with the ball this series, so his selection is a no-brainer. The same applies for team mate Graeme Swann – the offie with bags of character, magic spinning fingers and hands as safe as houses. He gives it a whack too and we like that, so much so that we’ve promoted him to number eight.

Two Aussies are up next as they were the only two didgeridoos that eve nr looked like taking more than two wickets. Peter Siddle is a marvellous chap, isn’t he? With aggression pouring out of his ears like steam, a Lion’s roar waiting to emerge from his mouth, he hits the pitch hard and gets the ball to talk. Moreover, he takes wickets aplenty and even when he is sent in as the night-watchman, he still scores at more than a run a ball. Watch and learn England. As for Ryan Harris, nobody knows how he has made it this far without being shot down by injury, but Ryno proved in this series that he is a damn good bowler when his body allows him to be. May all the Australian physiotherapists and masseurs be given knighthoods. Oh and don’t forget that Mr Harris enjoys a little skip to square leg and a big thrash of the old willow. Blooming brilliant.

Last but not least, it’s Jimmy. Okay so he went AWOL for a couple of Tests, but he’s got to be the finest operator of the swinging ball currently playing Test cricket. That ball to Clarke at Trent Bridge was nigh on unplayable (a bit like FTB’s Ashes XI). In fact, in light of this team selection, hopefully the ICC will allow the return series Down Under to be played in a quirky new format involving Tests, ODIs and t20s, with a point system deciding the winner of the urn. Because no matter what the format, this furiously competitive bunch of showmen would entertain the crowds until the clowns come home.