Flat Track Bully’s Alternative Ashes XI (summer 2013)

(Please note that any players guilty of “boring” cricket have been made unavailable for selection.)

1. David Warner
2. Shane Watson
3. Kevin Pietersen
4. Michael Clarke ©
5. Steve Smith
6. Brad Haddin (wk)
7. Stuart Broad
8. Graeme Swann
9. Peter Siddle
10. Ryan Harris
11. James Anderson

Openers

As per the above rules, picking a pair of opening batsmen from this summer’s Ashes series is a rather tricky decision. The difficulty lies in that England’s openers, Alastair Cook and Joe Root, a) batted far too slowly, and b) didn’t score enough runs. Last time around in Australia, Captain Cook was England’s hero, scoring a mammoth amount of runs (766) and anchored the English batting line-up to some big totals. There was no such repeat this time around however, as Cook made just three fifties and reverted back to his old ‘pushing one to first slip’ method of dismissal. As for Root, his 180 was an outstanding innings under very little pressure, but the Yorkshireman’s submissive stance – having been promoted to opening the batting – was simply dreadful for the modern day (t20 junkie) cricket fan to watch. Less casual supporters will remember the headline “Edgblaston” from back in 2005, the day when England scored 400 runs in one day. Root, Cook and Trott all failed to entertain in such dramatic style. Talk about digging in…

Subsequently, it is two Australians who slot in at the top of the order for FTB’s Ashes XI. Chris Rogers – who impressed for a man of his age – nudged and nurdled far too much for our selectors liking. Thus, Australia’s conundrum man Shane Watson finds himself opening the batting once more. His lusty style and canny knack of getting out LBW all the time is just the sort of thing cricket fans today want to see. Likewise, everyone loves a pantomime villain, and the XI would not be the same without Australia’s very own [insert Rocky Balboa opponent here] David Warner. His boxing skills, twitter antics and plentiful stroke play certainly got his name trending. Thus having showed (in glimpses) the sort of destruction they are both capable of piling upon an opposition attack and therefore, these bully boys are in the FTB team.

Middle-order

            Now you know the rules by now – no boring batsmen allowed. Sadly this means our man-of-the-series Ian Bell doesn’t actually make our series best XI. Okay, so he made a stack of runs including three hundreds and two fifties, but who wants to see someone stealing all the limelight, eh? We’d much rather watch Michael Clarke for example, who one day might get out to the ball of the series or on another, might get a massive score. After all, this side needs a skipper who refuses to let his team get bowled out and so Mr Tactical Declarations gets our vote. As for the other two batters, Kevin Pietersen picks himself on ego alone, but more importantly, he scores at more than one run an over. He’s a mystery, he’s an enigma and he’s a run-scorer. Steve Smith, like KP, very much bats in his own way, but who cares about technique when you score runs quickly and consistently? Despite not being selected for the initial squad, Smithy did his country proud and was arguably the tourist’s most consistent player with the bat. Without Belly, this team probably needs a bit of consistency.

In the wicket-keeping department, batting slightly higher than perhaps he ought, is Brad Haddin. Now there’s a proper batsman. No man at mid-wicket? Lovely jubbly. He also took a fair few catches behind the stumps (when he wasn’t letting the ball pass in between himself and first slip) and you probably need that in your Test team. Not that he had much competition for the gloves, because the usually irrepressible Matt Prior batted like Glenn McGrath with his eyes closed for the whole series. So yeah, we’ve gone for five batters and a keeper. Six batsmen is so last week.

Bowlers

Yep, we’ve got five of them and if you weren’t particularly impressed by our flat-track-bullies at the top of the order, this lot will get your tongues wagging more than a troupe of IPL cheerleaders. At seven, it’s Stuart “I only walk when I run out of petrol” Broad, because what this team doesn’t need is gentlemen. Screw the spirit of cricket; this is the flaming Ashes! Broad is big, bad and he’s a much better all-rounder than James Faulkner and Chris Woakes. Broady was back with the bat and on a roll with the ball this series, so his selection is a no-brainer. The same applies for team mate Graeme Swann – the offie with bags of character, magic spinning fingers and hands as safe as houses. He gives it a whack too and we like that, so much so that we’ve promoted him to number eight.

Two Aussies are up next as they were the only two didgeridoos that eve nr looked like taking more than two wickets. Peter Siddle is a marvellous chap, isn’t he? With aggression pouring out of his ears like steam, a Lion’s roar waiting to emerge from his mouth, he hits the pitch hard and gets the ball to talk. Moreover, he takes wickets aplenty and even when he is sent in as the night-watchman, he still scores at more than a run a ball. Watch and learn England. As for Ryan Harris, nobody knows how he has made it this far without being shot down by injury, but Ryno proved in this series that he is a damn good bowler when his body allows him to be. May all the Australian physiotherapists and masseurs be given knighthoods. Oh and don’t forget that Mr Harris enjoys a little skip to square leg and a big thrash of the old willow. Blooming brilliant.

Last but not least, it’s Jimmy. Okay so he went AWOL for a couple of Tests, but he’s got to be the finest operator of the swinging ball currently playing Test cricket. That ball to Clarke at Trent Bridge was nigh on unplayable (a bit like FTB’s Ashes XI). In fact, in light of this team selection, hopefully the ICC will allow the return series Down Under to be played in a quirky new format involving Tests, ODIs and t20s, with a point system deciding the winner of the urn. Because no matter what the format, this furiously competitive bunch of showmen would entertain the crowds until the clowns come home.

England won’t target individuals, says Broad

Ahead of the start of this year’s Ashes series next week, England fast-bowler Stuart Broad says that England are not planning on copying dominant Australian teams of the past and targeting specific players in the Australia team.

Speaking at the Investec Ashes press conference in London, the Nottinghamshire seamer said that discussions and strategies regarding Australia’s batsman would begin at a team meeting this Sunday.

“I think every team would always target members of the opposition batting line-up. Whether they make that public is up to their personal preference.”

He added, “The Aussies probably used to target people but it’s certainly not something I’m going to do.”

Fast-bowling compatriot Steve Finn agreed with Broad, “Those days are past. We’ll have our meeting on Sunday and talk about how we can get people out, but in terms of actually targeting someone specific, there’s nothing like that.”

Meanwhile the retired former Australian Ashes winner Damien Martyn suggested that Alastair Cook and Kevin Pietersen would be the two key men in the England side that the Australian’s may look to target.

“From an England point of view, for us, I think Cook is a massive one. He’s an amazing player, an amazing leader and his record is outstanding. He stabilises that side, he’s always making runs, he opens the batting and he’s the captain as well.

“And then the X-factor is [Kevin] Pietersen. He is a match-winner. He’s been out a lot recently with injury and hasn’t played much cricket, but those are the two guys Australia will take a look at very closely.

“When Pietersen is in the side, he is always going to be dangerous from an opposition point of view.”

Martyn also stated that there would be no such Glenn McGrath “5-0” predictions or Shane Warne “Sherminator” style outbursts from the Australian team. He suggested that under new coach Darren Lehmann, the tourists will keep team business more private, rather than choosing to air their dirty laundry in public.

Coach-cum-commentator Tom Moody, suggested that the public humiliation of players meant that former-coach Mickey Arthur’s sacking became “inevitable”, stating that he “lost control” and “lost the trust” of the Australian players.

He also believes that the Australians under Lehmann will play with an “underlying confidence” and that the Aussies have been “written off far too early”.

“The unknown can happen in Ashes series. There’s unique pressure and a lot of expectation on both sides, particularly England.”

England vs. New Zealand – First Test Review: England’s victory not quite so comprehensive…

England’s dramatic victory on the fourth day of the first Test against New Zealand at Lord’s was certainly a perfect way to begin the international summer of cricket (if indeed, you are an Englishman!). Led by fast bowlers Stuart Broad and James Anderson, England’s bowlers skittled the Black Cap line-up for just 68 in their second innings, to romp to victory by 170 runs.

The result, however, rather flattered England, who, up until the morning of the fourth day, were struggling at 180-6, just 205 runs ahead. In fact, after dismissing England for 213 in their second innings on the fourth morning, Brendon McCullum’s men must surely have felt a victory of their own was well within their sights. In the end, their own dismal display with the bat, in conjunction with a two brilliant spells of bowling from Broad (7-44) and Anderson (2-23), crushed any hopes they might have harnessed prior to the final innings of the match.

So, firstly the positives for England and after some rather uncharacteristically flat bowling performances in the previous series, their seam attack was back and all guns blazing at that. In the first innings, the leader of the unit Anderson lead by example, passing 300 Test match wickets as he picked up figures of 5-47. His ability to swing the ball both ways caused the Kiwis numerous problems, with only Kane Williamson and Ross Taylor providing any sort of resistance. Steve Finn also managed to pick up four wickets, which must have been a big boost for his confidence, after a slow start to the summer with his county Middlesex. Thus, if the first innings was all about Jimmy, then the second was undoubtedly all about Stuart Broad, who claimed the man of the match award for his stunning eleven over spell. Broad has come under criticism in recent times for bowling too short and thus it was unsurprising that his success here was because of his much fuller length. As George Dobell of ESPN Cricinfo rightly points out, despite his mercurial nature, Broad has the ability to truly become a world-class bowler.

Elsewhere, Joe Root on his Lord’s debut continued his sparkling early season form with two maturely manufactured knocks of 40 and 71. The young Yorkshireman, who scored 179 whilst captaining the Lions against the Black Caps last week, looked every bit the man in form, playing shots all around the ground, as he took his first-class total for the summer to 757 runs. His frustration at being dismissed by Tim Southee in the second innings underlined the high expectations Root has of himself and it was clear that he was disappointed to have failed in his quest for a three figure score. It is surely only a matter of time before his name ends up on the coveted honour’s board. Nonetheless, his performance on an occasion where so many experienced batsmen struggled, shows that this lad has an exceedingly bright future ahead of him at international level.

Minus the performance of Root and Jonathan Trott’s fifty, there was little else to shout about from England’s batting ranks. First time around, nearly all of England’s top order got starts, and yet none went on to post a big score. Had it not been for Root and Trott’s century-stand in the second innings, England could well have found themselves staring defeat in the face. Matt Prior for one will certainly be hoping that his pair is not a sign of things to come this summer, for England’s wicketkeeper-batsmen, vice captain and 2012 player of the year has a critical role to play within this side. Elsewhere, Nick Compton’s performances will come under increased scrutiny should he continue in the same vain, for many believe that Joe Root is a better long term prospect at the top of the order.

As for New Zealand, despite good knocks from Taylor and Williamson, their second innings showing clearly suggests a lack of nous when dealing with a swinging ball. The Black Caps must quickly develop a strategy for dealing with the deadly lateral movement provided by the English seamers or resign themselves to a series loss. The Kiwis will, however, be pleased with the efforts of their bowling attack, which at one stage looked like they had placed their side in a potentially winning position. Tim Southee’s match figures (10-108) will have been a particularly pleasing highlight for the tourists, and Trent Boult’s potential in swing-friendly conditions is also something which England cannot ignore. The possible return to the side of experienced left-arm spinner Daniel Vettori, is also a promising development, as the Kiwis look ahead to Headingley. For if their batting line-up can back up their bowling and fielding performance in this match, then there is no reason why McCullum’s men can’t snatch a series draw from the second and final Test.

England meanwhile will be hoping to build upon this performance in the second Test and bounce back from their below-par displays in New Zealand. Should Anderson and Broad hit their straps once again, and the batsman kick on from those solid starts, then in reality, Alastair Cook’s men should comfortably win the series. However, as highlighted, England’s victory at Lord’s was by no means an inevitability and the Kiwis are without doubt capable of upsetting the odds at Headingley.